Louis van Gaal’s diary – Losing on purpose, consoling Van Persie and the crazy deadline day

by Richard Cann

Tuesday 25 August

Mwahahaha. In the words of the great John ‘Hannibal’ Smith, “I love it when a plan comes together”. It’s taken a while, about three months I’ll admit, but I’ve finally made Ed Woodward my bitch. Everything I do takes three months to perfect. Truss asked me to paint the skirting boards last week. I said to her, “Look dear, I’ll do it, but it’s going to look schijt at first. However, by the time I get to the ninth bedroom I’ll be the greatest skirting board painter on the planet. You are lucky to have met me later in life, for I am now a world class maker of love too. But skirting boards, this is new.”

At first Ed resisted. I asked him for Robben, Hummels, Muller, Vermaelen and to complete the Kroos deal. He told me we had ALL the money, then got all tight when it came to coughing up. I thought we had Kroos, then Real came in and that was it. The little schijt Woodward told everyone at his private weekly press circle-jerk that I had vetoed the deal. For Toni Kroos! Then he said I didn’t want Fabregas either! Van Gaal never forgets. Instead he gave me Herrera, who I like, and some fat kid called Shaw, who turned up on the first day of training with an a*se like Kim Kardashian.

Anyway, we kept winning in pre-season, and he kept saying, “Look Louis, we’re winning, do we need to spend huge amounts?” He wouldn’t listen, so I played a little practical joke that put the schijts right up him.

Swansea on the first day of the season. They scored first, but we equalised through Wayne Rooney. It looked like we might win. I wasn’t having that, so subbed Herrera and put my sh*ttest player on in midfield. High Jinks! And hey presto, we lost. You should have seen Woodward’s sad, pale cartoon face in the executive lounge. The Glazers were there too. I couldn’t stop smirking.

Next day Ed calls in to see me at Carrington and offers to buy anyone I want. I had a search around for the player with the most complex and intricate contractual ownership situation in Europe. Turns out it was that lad who played left back for Argentina at the World Cup. I’ve only seen him twice but I thought I’d test Woodward’s transfer skills. He only went and signed him, but forgot about a work permit. Dipschijt.

Anyway, I thought feck it, I’ll ask for Di Maria. Ed wasn’t sure. But I’m cunning, so I trolled him by naming the player in public as the sort we’re missing.

I made sure we were suitably abysmal at Sunderland too. Mata went and scored. Traitor. We drew, but it was enough. Two days later Di Maria is in the house! I’m not sure how far I can stretch this but I’ve publicly thrown Messi and Vidal in to the mix. If they sign I’m going to unleash my love sacks in the boardroom.

Robin started on Sunday too. I missed him since the World Cup. We passed each other in the corridor for the first time since Brazil and our hands momentarily touched. My loins stirred. Truss knows. She understands. She is the lady in the streets, but Robin is the freak in my bed. He was very sad when I made Rooney captain. 239 texts in three days! He said that I’d betrayed him, but we made sweet love and it was all fine again.

I suppose I’m going to have to start making the team win now that I’ve finally got my way. This, of course, will be easy. After all, I made Ron Vlaar look good. But there’s only so much a coach can do and not even Van Gaal can stretch to making Tom Cleverley a competent footballer, so I got rid of him. What sort of manager agrees to pay Ashley Young £120,000 per week? Amateur. And what is a Kagawa? What does it do? I don’t even know what he looks like. I’ve picked the little schijt three times now and he couldn’t even be ar*ed to show up. That Smalling lad is an odd one. Permanently has a look on his face like he’s got concussion. Plays like it too. He’s fine doing cardio training or weights, but as soon as someone produces a football he soils himself and runs for the changing room. He’ll find no sanctity in there. Phil Jones has broken half the squad and they point and laugh from the canteen.

It was Giggs who persuaded me to make Rooney captain. He said that the responsibility would inspire him. I said that on £300,000 a week he shouldn’t f*cking need inspiring, but there you go. Giggs said that Fletcher can still be a top class central midfielder. I laughed, but made him vice captain anyway. It’s a pointless position. Giggs also said that Tom Cleverley can be the best midfielder in Europe, that I shouldn’t have let Ferdinand or Evra go and should have tried to persuade Paul Scholes, Edwin Van der Sar and Gary Neville to come out of retirement. All the coaches humour him, but we have a proper gossip in Dutch.

But overall things are going well. I just wish Woodward would stop telling me to refer to United as the biggest club in the world. It’s not. But it will be when I’ve finished with it. I can’t believe I get to work with Sir Bobby Charlton every day. SIR Bobby Charlton! Well, strictly speaking I sometimes take him to the toilet, but he always thanks me for wiping his bottom. Three months in and I’m now world class at that too. This is just the beginning.

Thursday 4 September

Ok, this is just too easy. All I have to do is make the team play badly and Ed gives me a couple of new players. Putty face is putty in my hands. How long can I keep this up? My team selection for Milton Keynes was perfection. It was all I could do to stop myself sniggering as each goal went in. Giggs was fuming. How Albert and I laughed. We’re seeing how far we can take the piss taking. Frans told him that he bums sheep in Dutch right to his face in training. Giggs just smiled and nodded. Banter!

Anyway, at Milton Keynes I just picked all the players I wanted rid of that Ed was prevaricating about selling, put them in 3-5-2 and told them to treat it like a training game. It actually went better than I’d hoped! 4-0! Hey presto, next day he emailed every club in Europe offering the lot.

Interest was a bit slow. Aston Villa wanted to sign Tom Cleverley. I had them in the sweepstake. Easiest money I’ve ever made. The most nondescript, average Premier League club wanting to sign, well, the most nondescript, average footballer in the Premier League. They do nothing, he does nothing. Perfect! I’ve watched all of United’s games from last season on DVD and he only played well once, at Villa. They should have watched them all too. A fool and his money. The little sh*jt wanted to screw me over on deadline day by trying to force a move to Everton. Silly boy. They weren’t willing to pay him actual money, so he had to make do.

Ed got Kagawa back to Dortmund. I still don’t know what he looks like. Zaha went too. He asked me if I had a daughter. It’s none of his business so I said no. Strange question to ask. Five minutes later he’s asking to leave. I don’t get it, but whatever. His loss. Now he doesn’t get to be trained by the great Van Gaal.

We let Welbeck go to Arsenal. He said that he wanted to be “Dat guy”. I said if “Dat Guy” was youth talk for substitute then I would make it happen. Apparently it wasn’t. Anyway, Arsene Wenger called and said that he didn’t have enough tricky, technical players who can’t shoot. I don’t see them as title challengers anyway, and Welbeck had escaped from his pod and high-haired it down to London when I wasn’t looking, so £16m was a good deal.

We got an email saying that Real Madrid wanted to make a loan offer for Hernandez. We all laughed and Ed sent an email back saying that he’s fallen for enough Nigerian email scams to know one when he sees one. Five minutes later Florentino Perez was on the phone. Much embarrassment! We bundled the player in to a Chevvy van and kicked him out on to the curb at Manchester Airport. He’s not come back and we have the money so all must be well. Real Madrid fans thought they were getting Falcao!

Speaking of Falcao, how crazy was deadline day? We gave up on Vidal and brought in Daley Blind. I wasn’t keen because I didn’t want anyone at the club who’s better looking than me, but needs must. Have you seen his girlfriend? Double Ds!

When I got to Carrington I found Ed in his office lying on a huge bed covered in money. He said that Adidas had been on the phone and told him that if he didn’t spend it before midnight they’d have the Glazers feed him to sharks. I suggested that we tried again for Hummels. “Too late”, said Ed, “I’ve got you Falcao!”

How am I supposed to explain this is Robin?

I’m going to have to leave Mata out. De Gea will be really sad. Dressing room affairs cause no end of problems. Except for mine. Do as Louis says, not as Louis does. Falcao turned up and I have to admit that he’s a fine figure of a man. Ed badgered him for half an hour to say that United is the biggest club in the world in his MUTV interview. Mendes told me that Radamel is physically incapable of lying. Ed told him that the sponsors would shijt the bed.

Di Maria was like putty! He even said that United were the only club he’d have left Real for, having spent all summer trying to sign for PSG! We were like the sloppiest of sloppy seconds. But Falcao wouldn’t budge. The Glazers called Ed and told him if he couldn’t swing it they might feed him to the sharks anyway. We reached a compromise and the player called us “the big club” in the most Hispanic English he could manage and we pretended it was just because he couldn’t explain himself because of his limited language skills. No one will have noticed.

Did you see Di Maria for Argentina against Germany on Wednesday? My my my.

Ed says we can’t sign any more players until January now. And I’m stuck with that useless shit Anderson. I suppose I’d better ditch my 3-5-2 sabotage and start winning some games, but not enough that he starts thinking that we don’t need Strootman.

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